It’s 6:18 in the a.m I’ve been awake since 4a.m I got up at five 30 a.m. I can’t sleep. The tablets just cause side effects. Their purpose is lost on me.
Let me start at the beginning.
Sat the 2nd of jan 2010 Yep a new decade, anyway Friday night I slept well. A good solid 7ish hours. I woke up and fell out of bed. This is not a joke. Olanzapine affects the balance, and this is worse first thing in the morning, as you take the filth last thing at night. Other than wobbling about all over the place I felt pretty good actually. In fact I felt utterly amazing, a`heightened sense of everything being brilliant and perfect’. This feeling was aided by a beautiful weather day of pure blue sky. I spose I must have got up at half seven. By 11ish I was so full of beans a combination of things led to me rushing up streatham high street on an important mission to the gift shop that does a side line in jokes. You see I heard then on the radio talking about indoor fireworks.
NOTE: writing this all down at this time in the morning is like therapy. If I have a night of little sleep like this I make a special drink, it is becoming more complex every time. First it was just warm milk and honey. Now it is a slowly simmered witches brew of milk, honey, nutmeg (a real nut that comes with its own little gre#ater so the nutmeg powder is as fine dust) cloves, and a little slice of real vanilla pod. All good old fashioned spices that have possible occult connections….
Indoor fire works. I suddenly remembered.... smoke bombs! As a child I used to love these silly little gray things. If you’ve never used one I tell you you’re missing out!. But I think smoke bombs and photos. Take pictures of the figures with the smoke haze of one of these things as a special effect. So I decide I need some!
Ipod Ipod makes going out bearable. Actually more than bearable. I feel great. I must look a`bit mad with my silly cap sunglasses and hood up but I feel really good. Not in a manic way in a normal way. I think (prematurely) that I may well be getting better.
NOTE manic depression turns money into some sort of quick fix hit. You spend it and you feel happy, so you fucking spend as much as you can. I think this is how it works…
In the joke shop I have a strange conversation with the shop keeper. When I’m in a manic phase I will talk to anyone, I love talking to people but this can cross over into a terror event. However this chat was lovely and the guy sold me smoke bombs, an eye patch and some vampire teeth. I also buy a reduced Christmas pudding which at about 8:30 am today I will eat with custard. Outside I feel great. When I get home I feel great too. Vicky is going out so I am left alone for a few hours. This is fine as I have the endless task of tidying and model building. I have dry skin all over my body. It’s like insects crawling around under my skin. A hot shower works wonders but at quarter to 7 a.m this is not a solution. Where was I....?
Tidy house tidy mind. Vicky gets back and I’m buzzing away too manic to play the board game(did i mention we were planing to play Arkham horror boardgame?) so fiddle about all evening making my model walls and stuff. I decide as it’s the last real night of the holiday (I know there’s Sunday to but vicky’s off back to work so ….well more on that In a bit…) to have a few shandies. BAD IDEA! Now I drank shandy throughout the holiday period without any problems. Not that there were any problems, only the desire for more, which is of course a problem! I also needed some cream cheese as I wanted to eat the cream cheese with the smoked salmon sitting in the fridge…God I fucking dribble on don’t I but fucking god alive it’s good to sit here at 7 a.m writing it all out!
Anyway I started feeling woozy and suddenly the shandy tasted rank and I pour it down the sink. I vow right there and then not to drink for a month. The first month of the decade. I know I can do this as I did it last year….
The woozy drunk feeling is utterly repulsive so ,probably the wrong thing to do
I make a pot of coffee to sober up. Can I just say right now that I love my cat she’s ace! She’s right here purring away like a steam train…I’m gonna go to sainsburys at about 7.30 am as we are having a house guest today. An old college friend of vicky’s which I must confess am a little nervous about. I’m fucking utterly nervous about everything. The other night I was filming the kitchen ceiling because there seemed to be noises coming from it… Vicky came in and the noises stopped. See, I’m totally nuts.
So here I am 10 past seven in the am scribbled all this random shite down so no one can read it but it’s therapy for me so there…..
I’ve had a maximum of 3 hours sleeps. I feel frantic with a weird wired energy that causes me to stand on the brink of the abyss. One way is creative, positive and worthy. The other is a nightmare not even worth thinking of ….
The supermarket is now open(no, its not open ‘till 11a.m on a Sunday!) .Ed). I am going to go to it in a bit. Also the sky is lightening up looking\like another clear blue sky day. The lowest point is way behind me and I am looking forward to a whole new day of fun.
NOTE: I think the tablets are fucking utterly shite. What’s their point ?!?!?! all I seem to get is the side effects… 10 mgs. Of olazipine should knock me out for 6-8 hours solid. Thing is if I tell the doctor this what will they do? Increase the dose. Yep, that’s the backward logic of it…. So I myself will say no to their drugs(well not no to the drugs but no to further increases in amounts...). However a month without ANY booze will be good. And I will not drink coffee after 5 p.m from now on…
So that’s it, my personal writing therapy done for another day, cause no doubt the spelling grammar and meaning is all shit but at least I feel better…. And it’s proper getting light outside!!
NOTE:Candi statans version of that ‘throwing your hands up in the air is WAY better than that art student/kooky/flakey whatsernames version….!!! HAHAHAHAHAHaaaaaaa.....
I’ve even gone on itunes and bought the original and a funk remix of it. And another thing although John Halts original ‘police in helicopters’ is a powerful political song, Dopefishs’ remix is pure dubstep gold.
NOTE 2 : i went to sainsburys and it was closed.... not open ‘till 11a.m!! .....its nw 9:45 pm on sunday night vicky is killing nazi scum in the computer game return to castle wolfenstein to take her mind off going back to work... i had a nap and my well stay up doing the models again.... see youz laterz!!
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