not real!

ONCE AGAIN NOT SPELL/GRAMMAR CHECKED ...so may well make little sense



This situation is not real. It didn’t really happen. Its so utterly fucking stupid that it couldn’t happen. So bare that in mind as you skimp over it ….

Lets say there’s this person just like me, and he claims a form of benefit that involves providing a note from the doctor. Lets say this person in the last couple of weeks has seen 3 different doctors and a student one. Blah-blah, cut the point, the person knows that the note from the doctor is due to run in the next week or so. Now this person is a little over consiensoius ( a polite way of saying rampantly paranoid) at present and decides to give the benefit providers a call. Now this call goes with out issue (as sometimes there can be huge boiling pulsating purple issues stinking up these types of calls)and seemingly simple advice is given: get an appointment with you doctor (that’ll be the GP then)` and ask him/her to give you an ‘overlapping’ sick note as they are having problems processing these things at present. So far so simple. A g.p’s appointment can be made for the same day if done as certain way and as the person would rather just get this thing out the way that is what is arranged, for 4:30pm. Now our hypothetical friend arrives at 4:25 to be told his appointment is now actually at 4:40pm. No problem he waits. We all wait to see the g.p, its part of life’s rich, joyess pattern. Our friend does however experience rampant paranoia not helped by a weird TV repeating on a 2 minute loop a story about a fat crap hospital Dj talking about ‘getting on’ in the music industry. This TV looping hell is inescapable as it has subtitles , and the pixies in the ears (the band on the ipod, not actual pixies inside the ears) can’t block that out. Anxiety levels are rapidly raised. Creeping terror also raises its moronic head. However just in time (as said fella was about to pull from his black trench coat and go on a murder rampage in the surgery…why has this never happened?!?!?) the appointment comes up on the ‘digital fuckin display’

Now this is it as I see it. Our ‘can’t-possibly-be-me’ person has a simple enough task. Obtain a slightly over lapping sick not and leave. However the dumb idiot can’t keep his mouth shut as he can see straight into the G.p’s computer. He sees it said bipolar and conversationally remarks that it is not now bipor but actually schizoid-affective disorder (or as I like to call it ‘another made up name for something no one really understands’)this sends g.p into some kind of verbal fit. He states that ‘that is not what I have here, and it was probably a locum who did that blahdee-fuckin-bullshitblah.
“no it was a consultant I saw last week, I doubt the letter has reached you yet, and to be honest I’m not here to chat shit right now, just get the sick-note and run”
“sick note? But yours hasn’t run out yet, I can’t give you overlapping sick notes that would be illegal and also I might be dead next week”….(yep he did actually say to the hypothetical me, that he might be fucking dead next week like WTF!?!?)

…”erm…right …erm well I phoned up this morning to find out about this from the benefit people, they told me to get one sent off as soon as possible as they are having problems (voice slightly getting louder)…and I’m only the messenger don’t shoot me!”

“no I’m sorry I can’t do it”
This exchange goes on like shit ping-pong but with bollocks words instead of a little lovely plastic ball ….FUCK IT is what hypherthetical man wants to scream as he pulls out his Mad Max style sawn off shot gun and blasts at close range round after earth-shaking ear bleeding round off buckshot into gap’s face. Is that as a littler strong.

Lets just say for the record this. The gp has told the patient the other doctor is not a consultant (he is) has given a wrong diagnosis(I’d never said it was 100% accurate yet)told me he might die next week, and finally actually called me…erm I mean our made up patient a schizophrenic. I feel I have the right to be a little wobberly on the anger management side. But … erm.. hypothetical patient, regains his composure, shakes the g.ps hand as a jester of good will and leaves.
Lets imagine the illness is a physical one.Lets say our man has a broken arm due to an acciendent involving swerving the fork lift truck to avoid as drunken clown chasing an escaped rabbit. Or a smashed leg gained by a falling piano. G.p says, no,no no its not a broken arm/smashed up leg, its piles. You’ve got piles, I might be dead next week and elvis lives in my cupboard at home. I feed him on bird seed, he hates it but I will not bow into his constant desire for speed-ball burger….
Would this happen,which part I hear you cry ,dearest of readers, for you are very dear to me and I love you all….Well the answer is, any/none or all of it. Because thatds how bonkers it all is.

Now all this occurs on Monday evening, and so lets get back to being not hypothetical but real. I planned at least a week ago a trip out on Tuesday to buy model making supplys for the Royal college. This is a mammoth task which I have been both dreading and looking forward to. I will not bore you tits right off with the details but it all goes very smoothly, with the aid of the trusty ipod and camera (slide show of pictures taken here). The only hiccup is getting on a wrong bus, finding and being at the wrong side of hyde park. Now there is no snow left in central London. None. However hyde park has held on to its snow and crossing that park was so utterly bleak and beautiful it rendered me emotional!! …the Royal College of Art shop is now a little cupboard, but they have every thing I need for 72.35% less money than anywhere else in London. This is all good but I might have worn my legs out a little, and the high I’m on from managing to deal with town trains people etc suddenly disappears when I get home and actually start thinking about the hypothetical situation with the G.p …. I begin to wonder if what he said was true…fuck. That coupled with a rather stressful situation regarding my grandmas 90th birthday leads to suicidal thoughts. Horrific mind pictures of fire and blood….

Which brings us bang up to date. It is 6:49 a.m so I reckon I got up at some point just before six. I did however go to sleep by 11:30pm so that’s a good amount of sleep and I am going to go modelmaking made today. And only leave the house to post off a letter. BRILLIANT!! … I do need a soldering iron though….


PART 2 …solar flares and texas chainsaw massacre.
Texas chainsaw massacre is a true classic of American cinema. It is horrific,menace filled terror show brilliance. It also features strange footage of solar flares in its title sequence, this is possibly a little known fact. The sun was quite active in the mid seventies when this film was made and its storms where blamed for many things. More on this later folks….