Thursday, December 31, 2009

possible gibberings written at 6a.m this morning....

Howard Phillip Lovecraft. Without doubt the greatest writer of cosmic-pulp horror of all time(I should put so far, but I doubt he’ll be beat.) I’ve read, reread and re-reread his stories so often I should go on Mastermind with my knowledge. Actually I shouldn’t as really I couldn’t tell you a whole bunch of dry facts about him or his stories. What I do know is that the fictional town of Arkham, the Great elder ones, the colour from out of space, live in my mind daily.
However this blog ain’t just about me and what I like, its about LITTLE MODEL MEN…. And so I am writing to inform of the work I have been doing with regards to this. This and H.P.Lovecraft. Actually this post is really more about the roleplaying game inspired by Lovecraft’s work, ”Call of Cthulhu”, sort of…..Not being to clear here am I … a fact list always helps!

1) I am building a series of dioramas based on H.P.Lovecraft’s work.

2) This is a progress report on this work

3) Throughout this process I have been broadcasting this work from the more page here within this site.

For basing I got an off cut of MDF, this is then built-up with chicken wire, paper mache and a final layer of flock and detail. When building dioramas in this way it is always handy to have a miniature of the scale the diorama is for, to place about the scene to check every thing is to scale. I always paint with acrylic paints, although I think a wise investment would at some point be an airbrush. Okay so far I have done 2 (INSERT SIZE), one based on the blasted heath, a location outside of Arkham that Lovecraft mentions on more than one occasion. The diorama however is of an area to the side of the heath, a hill with a well trodden path leading down to the heath. The are of the heath itself only takes up about a third of the model.

Lovecraft calls it the blasted heath, stating that no tree or plants will grow here, so the actual heath itself in the model is a barren desert like place. However Never one to keep things safe, I have built a tower that will slot into a rounded area, (that looks like a strange magic circle.) This changes the landscape Totally. I have been building a fence across the hill from cocktail sticks. Building this fence has been an utter horror down to the fiddly nature of the job and superglue.

SUPERGLUE….there are an awful lot of types of superglue out there, I own five different brands. Four of these are not actually superglue at all. They do not stick, if they do they take too long to dry,and if they do stick and dry they’re weaker than an earth worm in an arm wrestle. One brand however is pure utter brilliance. Can you think which one it is?… can you?…go on guess…? No? Well I’ll tell you then. It is none other than Sainsbury supermarket’s own brand! Yes you heard right, unless you can prove me different Sainsbury’s home brand (cheap as chips) blows all the rest totally out the water! Which is actually nuts when you think about it…This stuff seems to dry on spot contact, is extremely strong, durable and has no trouble gluing metal to metal. One thing I’d like to add though is that getting super glue all over your fingers is a bleeding pain. Now I heard somewhat that nail polish remover is good at getting it off so I’m going to try that little trick, I’ll report back on the results….

So I used this glue along with tweezers to build a fence I am a little proud of….
……Now the other diorama is not directly based on an exact location in any of Lovecraft’s own fiction, although it could be from (INSERT TITLE) It is a central hill with hidden cave entrance and a few standing stones on its peak. The flock/model grass/ scatter used in this model is much brighter, giving the model a more Summery look.
Now I am researching the best way to build architectural features, not however on the internet, but with actual books, which unlike the internet, I can take into my work area (kitchen table at present!) and spill paint, plaster of paris and wall filler all over. Now you can’t do that with the feckin internet can you!
Now then, the third diorama I build I will take photos along the way and attempt to create a sort of tutorial… how thrilling!

IN OTHER NEWS I am so exited about THIS model I just want to build it right now!

Our cat has a habit of bringing in leaves as cat style gifts, well I think that’s the reason, she always looks very proud of her self when she does it. I let her out about an hour ago and the floor in here now resembles the ground of an autumn forest… our cat’s madder than me!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Monday, December 28, 2009

home without sparring the horses....

Time: 03:44 a.m:
Monday morning this time I awoke with a fright. The last two days have been sleeps all though the night but tonight seems to have taken a step back. Me and Vicky’s father were being chased by children with rusting huge metal teeth through hideous shit filled medieval streets. I woke up and looked at the clock at 03:10ish and laid there till just now but I get fidgety and the itchy patches on my back and legs seem so itchy-scratchy at night, and my love Vicky needs her sleeps cos of the extra energy you need to keeps a little tummy peanut going….

So what’s been happening I here you scream repeatededly as you hammer down my door with masked faces and weapons of brutal torture…. Here’s an up date:

Christmas day:
sailed through that like a magical dream We travelled to a near by village to spend the day with seven of Vicky’s relatives plus us five, you do the math, but it was a fair old gathering…. Low alcohol shandys and to be honest a bunch of utter lovelies eased the Burdon emencly. Got some ace gifts, the one I’ll mention was a secret santa one and I do not know who bought it for me but they seem to have read my mind! YES!!! The hugest jar of gourmet jelly beans I have ever seen!!....I will not mention many other details other than to say I only felt any kind of rising panic once and that past. We got home to Vicky’s in time for eastenders, although to be frank I seemed to be having a lot of trouble watching the TV.
That night I really did sleep the sleep of a log! No evil voices dreams visions etc. However I seem to be forming the habit of getting up at around 6-6:30 a.m. I get up write, draw and play funny computer games….

BOXING DAY>
Unless I really really rack my brain(and as its 4a.m and I’m
On 10m.g’s of olanzapine )I can’t remember much of boxing day. I think we chilled out a lot and bathed…. OOOOH yes Vicky,her dad and I went out on a lovely walk in the rather bleak winter sunlight well over an hour.The totally bummer of this was that I managed to take a memory card full of pictures of said country side them wipe the lot by fiddling with the feckin camera…. Oh well, nobody died….
Also the evening meal was marred somewhat by me having some sort of paranoid delusion and having to drag poor Vicky to the pub so I could A)get out of the house for air (this is a coping technique that work wonders to be honest. And B) purchase tobacco which I seem to be getting though far too much of of late. I must say I had a big cry and ate up 2mg,s of clorazipams to send me up the wooden stairs….
Slept very well, not visions,no nightmares, no voices.

SUNDAY AFTER BOXING DAY:

Got up early said our goodbyes and left londidium…. All in all Christmas was totally bloody perfect. A million other shiny warm events occurred but filling you in on them all seems a little over ripe at present….

Must say it was/is utterly brilliant to be home. Back with kitten and all the things I need to do which include in no order really:

1.        repot cactus I grew from seed
2.        build n-gauge model railway(more on that later)
3.        sort this web site out!!!
4.        pray to the postal gods that my parcel of musical MIDI hardware treuns up
5.        exercise
6.        go to homebase for wood for number 2 and number 7
7.        learn how to play the cthulhlu board game Vicky and I bought each other for Christmas
8.        PAINT LITTLE MEN!!!!
9.        sort out all drawings into order,scan into computer etc….
10.        eat jelly beans!

Regarding No2: towardsa the end of my studies I had the mad idea of a dream sequence for the film I was making for my final piece of work. The dreram sequence never made it into the film, mainly due to me having a severe manic episode and ignoring it. This isn’t about that bit though, this is about the model railway…..The up shot of this thing was that I came out the other end the pround owner of about 15 meters of n-gauge track and 3 points. Easily enough for a fairly mad little model train set. For those of younot clued up on your model rail gauge sizes, n is the smallest (apart from z which is too small to be of any real logical use) so an nice little lay out ca fit ona coffee table….
Now the other thing is that my late step grand father gave me the most beautiful gauge steam train model when I was young (10-11ish) and this lttle corker has never really run properly. Its time ha s now come.

Lastly the other great thing about being home is the unconditional love of our liitle cat, she really is an utter winner!!!

Anyway that all brings me up to date. When we got home yesterday I was sdo frazzled cfrom it all I slept a good hour away in the bedroom and last nigh was in bed by 12:30. so I’ve had ENOUGH BLOODY SLEEP!!!!!! Okay…..?


Finally its utterly freezing (colder than that ice room Jack torence spends the night in!!)so the trip to Homebasewill include the purchase of a little electric heater … or ill end up frozen to this bloody settee!!! ……back soon…

Sunday, December 27, 2009

not actually written today....

I don’t know for sure what day it is . Yesterday I was sure it was Saturday but I was wrong. I think it must be Friday today. I do not trust time any more. It is a really tricksy bugger and sometimes I think it doesn’t work at all. Rapid cycle manic depression is so funny I laugh till I cry. Then I get a burst of energy and I want to go to the shop and some one says what do you need and I don’t know what I need other than to go to the shop.

THIS should have a bit of background before I get too carried away by all the bramble-rambles eating up my inside brain area. This is the general thing but as I have said I do not know the day, time is being tricksy and my marbles are gone for sure.
YESTERDAY (insert day/date once aware of them) I got up at a normal time!! Brilliant. Vicky was off work as we were travelling from London to here. Here is where I am now. It is Oxford countryside which is all of beauty and happy family warmth but more of that later. I did not tell Vicky until we actually got here but at some points in the morning I was so terrified about the whole thing I was very close to calling the whole Christmas trip off. But I didn’t. no . no that would have been giving into what I think is satan. The devils are closest at this time of day. The trip was very bad and I was very close to losing my control over my anger at more than one time. This was of course because I am well aware that 80% of people at this time of stress are unable to produce manners. However bumping into some one is one thing, pushing some one out of the way is something else all together. I tried to redress the balance by helping an old lady with her case, but all in all manners at Paddington train station have been pretty much out lawed. This evil putrid fetid hell that is a London large train station however many days it is before Christmas….

NOTE!!! I just realised today is actually Christmas eve HOLY FUCKING COCK SHIT ALIVE!!!! This was once a truly meaningless rubbish day for me but now I am filled with great wonder and the happy joys of a crispy frosty happy happy joy Christmas joy ooooooH!!!!
#][
…………………………Now where was I ?? the train journey from London to Didcot was amazing I spoke with a really nice guy and the views were utterly stunning and so incredible I found it quite hard not to shout out it the carriage “stop fiddling with your blackberries and your laptops(we had snuck into first class…) and look out the windows you big bunch of red faced nice watch wearing business types AAARRRRGGGGHHH” for some reason with the AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH bit in the style of a of pantomime pirate. Where was? I don’t know, but I was thinking that the only better time than Christmas is Halloween and I think there should be more gift giving on Halloween, and more scares at Christmas. It’s hard to explain that all the thoughts in your brain are going around at 2.5684 billion years a second and fires are really burning out of control all along the edge of the world when it’s a lovely happy family Christmas time. But I am happy. Apart from the sleep issue but I think 4-5 hours isn’t too bad really. OOOh I wish I could describe to you the utter compelling beauty of the view across snow white fields dotted with rolling fog balls… I expected to see Gandalf riding through those fields. Time keeps on ticking, ticking into the future. That’s a song lyric but I don’t know what song its from. I have electric thoughts racing like sort of liquid silver tear drops back and forth. I can nearly actually see them. But then I just sit and think I must be making it all up because it can’t be true. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? ……where was I ? HELP I had a real idea what I was gonna write but its all flew off like crows fly off the fields when the train goes by. The train, that was it, I was saying about manners and the like and how Paddington (the station, not the bear) had somewhat removed my ability to see humans as anything more than angry cattle. Actually this was also the case earlier at Victoria, I don’t want Paddington to get all the blame! However, on the train a thing of true wonder happened that made me so happy I was close to tears of bronzed joy. I lie, Three things of great faith restoring restoringness (can’t thing of the words) The First was a kind lovely man let Vicky sit with him in a big leather first class chair and said he would buy anything she liked for her from the little food trolley. This I was not however aware of until we had arrived.
The main thing was this: I go up to the

[NOTE: (totally separate from the story I was about to tell, I just went out side for a little fag, I try to make them small as I seem to be smoking bleed tonnes of them. Is so dark and slippy and still and nice, I felt a rising urge to run about in the garden !!! amazing!!]

Now back to the train story. I go up to the buffet car, to get a expresso. FACT: expresso is £1.60, a double is £3.20. I ascertain this fact by asking the lady working the till. This lady is like a little plump smiling black angel. I sort of look dejected about this. I want a double but am not prepared to pay exactly twice as much for one. Stop me if I’m wrong but most times a double is not twice as much as a single. I’m used to it being like an extra 50p or so. Any way the golden smile black angel winks and says pay £1.60 and you can have a double anyway. WOW I say
“there aren’t many like you left” and she beams like a lottery winner.
That was the nicest A)thing to happen and B)expresso. I go back to looking out the window. It always reminds me of that song by the Who that has the lyric “out of my brain on the train.”….even when I am not out of my brain on the train, and believe me I’ve been out of my brain on the train a good few times in my life….
I want to say again over and over and over how beautiful that view was, even reading looked like narnia from that train on that day [insert day here].

What? Next? Well I get chatting to a young man who had been selling Christmas trees. Turns out he’s a musician, playing the blues and shit. Tells me about a special box he has made with a weird drum in it that sounds really good! Anyway I get his card. I say I’ll make him a video, and he’s nice enough to actually just accept this idea. I will email him today with a link to this blog.

I feel I should state now that I am filled with terrors beyond belief about tomorrow. This is not true. I swing constantly between terror and excitement. I have been rather manic with my money and bought every one presents and all kinds of silliness!! Oooh it’s good and bad at the same time….the food bit being also very exiting. That said I have no appetite what so ever but meat is something I crave a bit some times. Should I stop now? Should I just carry on?

NOTE: last night I sat in the lounge for a bit with Vicky and her mother and father and the tv was on. It was loud and to be honest it was very scary. All this is very scary and sometimes I want to sort of make it all stop. Time has a habit of playing evil tricks on you most times like this. The last half hour of clock time seems to have been about two hours long my time. I want to be both alone and surrounded by people at the same time. I have a strange nagging weariness that at the same time is a pulsing constant energy I WANT TO RUSH ABOUT stand up sit down , keep moving and doing and making thinking writing drawing talking telling stories and everything all at the same time. I just thought since the last blog update I saw the doctor. She’s a real good one, we had a good chat and she explained I need to be very careful over the Christmas period. However I was relieved to hear that although drinking is not advised the only real problem with it is that the drugs increase the affect of the booze. We talked about tonnes of other stuff to but I can’t be bothered with all that now….i think next time I go I will record the whole thing with some kind of special device.

OOOh one thing though was a quick discussion we had about SUSPIRIA, the greatest film ever made…. She hadn’t seen it but knew of the director. Is it the greatest film ever made?? I’m not sure really, Bullit is pretty good! ……on a separate and utterly shit side, I made a bunch of what I though were multi function CDs but they seem only to contain music. And not the drawings I had put onto them……

It is now quarter past 7 a.m a human time again. I feel the need to wash and wash and wash and my body aches…..


“jack the ripper was a robot controlled by aliens”-there, I’ve said it.

Also why oh why, oh why, oh why is it so odd to dance about when ipod is in ears? Vicky said “stop that you look like a nutter!!” …..speechless!!

Now I wonder what would happen if I ate all the bananas in the fruit bowl? There are six big ones…. I could leave the skins lying around in comedy places, this would balance out the fact that I ate them all……

Also as time tickles up my back and neck I get increasingly worried about the fact that the local shop in this lovely little village will not stock what I need, however I am totally unaware of what it is I need!!! Fucking crap it I get so angry with my self…oh well. The boy/young man on the train has written an album full of songs, I will email him later today!!!!!!! Whoop whoop I worry that he may think I’m mad but I think it would be really good like, to have a bit of music to make a little film for. I brought with me 3 different types of hair stuff to make my hair do what it is supposed to do… they are all shit! Hair cement should be in a powdered form, like real cement, that you sprinkle over your hair then add a bit of water and the hair will then become solid. I think my hair is too thin for any of the legal hair products to hold in place and I have no idea where to get hold of the black market harder stuff…. I reckon that those jedward off of wankfactor could get me some. That or they have very thick hair…..

The place where Vicky’s parents live really is the most wonderful restful. I look out the window (as it has finally got light) and I can see sheep in a field 20 foot away. Poor blighters must be totally freezing! I will take pictures and add them…. To a slide show of this festive time of happy happy joy joy joy happy ooooh eeeee oooo !!!! good God alive if I feel like this now what will I be like in tomorrow morning once dirty santa has shat his load down the chimney….

NOTE: both the drugs I am now taking for my lunacy have effects on my balance…. This makes me stubble about like a drunk. I slur my words alls. It’s all the side effects of booze with none of the sodding plus effects…. DAMN IT

Thursday, December 24, 2009

christmas eve scribbles

I don’t know for sure what day it is . Yesterday I was sure it was Saturday but I was wrong. I think it nust be Friday today. I do not trust time any more. It is a really tricksy bugger and sometimes I think it doesn’t work at all. Rapid cycle manic depression is so funny I laugh till I cry. Then I get a burst of energy and I want to go to the shop and some one says what do you need and I don’t know whast I need other than to go to the shop.

THIS should have a bit of background before I get too carried away by all the bramble-rambles eating up my inside brain area. This is the general thing but as I have said I do not no the day, time is being tricksy and my marbles are gone for sure.
YESTERDAY (insert day/date once aware of them) I got up at a normal time!! Brilliant. Vicky was off work as we were travel from London to here. Here is where I am now. It is oxford countryside which is all of beauty and happy family warmth but more of thst later. I did not tell Vicky until we actually got here but at some points in the morning I was so terrified about the whole think I was very close to calling the whole Christmas trip off. But I didn’t. no . no that would have beenm giving into what I think is satan. The devils are closest at this time of day. The trip was very bad and I was very close to loosing my control over my anger at more than one time. This was of course because I am well aware that 80% of people at this time of stress are unable to produce manners. However bumping into some one is one thing, pushing some one out of the way is something else all together. I tried to readdress the balance by helping an old lady with her case, but all in all manners at padding train station have been pretty much out lawed. This evil putrid fetted hell that is a London large train station however many days it is befor Christmas….

NOTE!!! I just realised today is actually Christmas eve HOLY FUCKING COCK SHIT ALIVE!!!! This was once a truly meaningless rubbish day for me but now I am filled with great wonder and the happy joys of a crispy frosty happy happy joy Christmas joy ooooooH!!!!
#][
…………………………Now where was I ?? the train journey from London to didcot was amazing I spoke with a really nice guy and the views were utterly stunning and so incredible I found it quite hard not to shout out ito the carrage “stop fiddling with your blackberries and your laptops(we had snook into first class…) and look out the windows you big bunch of red faced nice watch wearing busienes types AAARRRRGGGGHHH” for some reason with the AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH bit in the style of a o pantomime pirate. Where was i? I don’t know, but I was thinking that the only better time than Christmas is Halloween and I think there should be more gift giving on Halloween, and more scares at Christmas. Its hard to explain that all the thoughs in your brain are going around at 2.5684 billion years a second and fires are really burning out of control all along the edge of the world when it’s a lovely happy family Christmas time. But I am happy. Apart from the sleep issue but I think 4-5 hours isn’t too bad really. OOOh I wish I could describe to you the utter compelling beauty of the view across snow white fields dotted with rolling fog balls… I expected to see Gandalf riding through those fields. Time keeps on ticking, ticking into the future. That’s a song lyric but I don’t know what song its from. I have electric thoughts racing like sort of liquid silver tear drops back and forth. I can nearly actually see them. But then I just sit and think I must be making it all up because it can’t be true. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? ……where was I ? HELP I had a real idea what I was gonna write but its all flew off like crows fly off the fields when the train goes by. The train, that was it, I was saying about manners and the like and how Paddington (the station, not the bear) had somewhat removed my ability to see humans as anything more than angry cattle. Actually this was also the case earlier at Victoria, I don’t want Paddington to get all the blame! However, on the train a thing of true wonder happened that made me so happy I was close to tears of bronzed joy. I lie, Three things of great faith restoring restoringness (can’t thing of the words) The First was a kind lovely man let Vicky sit with him in a big leather first class chair and said he would buy anything she liked for her from the little food trolley. This I was not however aware of until we had arrived.
The main thing was this: I go up to the

[NOTE: (totally separate fron the story I was about to tell, I just went out side for a little fag, I try to make them small as I seem to be smoking bleed tonnes of them. Is so dark and slippy and still and nice, I felt a rising eurge to run about in the garden !!! amazing!!]

Now back to the train story. I go up to the buffy car, to get a expresso. FACT: expresso is £1.60, a double is £3.20. I ascertain this fact by asking the lady working the till. This lady is like a little plump smiling black angel. I sort of look dejected about this. I want a double but am not prepared to pay exactly twice as much for one. Stop me if I’m wrong but most times a double is not twice as much as a single. I’m used to it being like an extra 50p or so. Any way the golden smile black angel winks and says pay £1.60 and you can have a double anyway. WOW I say
“there aren’t many like you left” and she beams like a lottery winner.
That was the nicest A)thing to happen and B)expresso. I go back to looking out the window. It always reminds me of that song by the Who that has the lyric “out of my brain on the train.”….even when I am not out of my brain on the train, and believe me I’ve been out of my brain on the train a good few times in my life….
I want to say again over and over and over how beautiful that view was, even reading looked like narnia from that train on that day [insert day here].

What? Next? Well I get chatting to a young man who had been selling Christmas trees. Turns out he’s a musishan, playing the blues and shit. Tells me about a special box he has made with a weird drum in it that sounds really good! Anyway I get his card. I say I’ll make him a video, and he’s nice enough to actually just acsept this idea. I will email him today with a link to this blog.

I feel I should state now that I am filled with terrors beyond belief about tomorrow. This is not true. I swing constaintly between terror and exitment. I have been rather manic with my money and bought every one presents and all kinds of silliness!! Oooh its good and bad at the same time….the food bit being also very exiting. That said I have no appitite what so ever but meat is something I crave a bit some times. Should I stop now? Should I just carry on?

NOTE: last night I sat in the lounge for a bit with Vicky and her mother and father and the tv was on. It was loud and to be honest it was very scary. All this is very scary and sometimes I want to sort of make it all stop. Time has a habit of playing evil tricks on you most times like this. The last half hour of clock time seems to have been about two hours long my time. I want to be both alone and surrounded by people at the same time. I have a strange nagging weariness that at the same time is a pulsing constant energy I WANT TO RUSH ABOUT stand up sit down , keep moving and doing and making thinking writing drawing talking telling stories and everything all at the same time. I just thought since the last blog update I saw the doctor. Shes a real good one, we had a good chat and she explained I need to be very careful over the Christmas period. However I was relieved to hear that although drinking is not advised the only real problem with it is that the drugs increase the affect of the booze. We talked about tonnes of other stuff to but i can’t be bothered with all that now….i think next time I go I will record the whole thing with some kind of special device.

OOOh one thing though was a quick discussion we had about SUSPIRIA, the greatest film ever made…. She hadn’t seen it but knew of the director. Is it the greatest film ever made?? I’m not sure really, bullet is pretty good! ……on a separate and utterly shit side, I made a bunch of what I though were multi function cd’s but they seem only to contain music. And not the drawings I had put onto them……

It is now quarter passed 7 a.m a human time again. I feel the need to wash and wash and wash and my body aches…..


“jack the ripper was a robot controlled by aliens”-there, I’ve said it.

Also why oh why, oh why, oh why is it so odd to dance about when ipod is in ears? Vicky said “stop that you look like a nutter!!” …..speechless!!

Now I wonder what would happen if I ate all the bananas in the fruit bowl? There are six big ones…. I could leave the skins lying around in comedy places, this would balance out the fact that I ate them all……

Also as time tickles up my back and neck I get increasingly worried about the fact that the local shop in this lovely little village will not stock what I need, however I am totally unaware of what it is I need!!! Fucking crap it I get so angry with my self…oh well. The boy/young man on the train has written an album full of songs, I will email him later today!!!!!!! Whoop whoop I worry that he may think I’m mad but I think it would be really good like, to have a bit of music to make a little film for. I brought with me 3 different types of hair stuff to make my hair do what it is supposed to do… they are all shit! Hair cement should be in a powdered form, like real cement, that you sprinkle over your hair then add a bit of water and the hair will then become solid. I think my hair is to thin for any of the legal hair products to hold in place and I have no idea where to get hold of the black marked harder stuff…. I reckon that those jedward of wankfactor could get me some. That or they have very thick hair…..

The place where Vickys parents live really is the most wonderful restful. I look out the window (as it has finally got light) and I can see sheep in a field 20 foot away. Poor blighters must be totally freezing! I will take pictures and add them…. To a slide show of this festive time of happy happy joy joy joy happy ooooh eeeee oooo !!!! good God alive if I feel like this now what will I be like in tomorrow morning once dirty santa has shat his load down the chimney….

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Finger shits

I was going to call this one finger diorea or diorhea or what ever its spelt like but i couldn’t be bothered looking it up...
Any way i thought it was time i got round to actually doing a bit of blog toss on the nature of the rest of this site, mainly the extremely nerdy hobby of miniature painting. Now Kids I am 35. I started painting these little tin (although they are normally pewter, lead or white metal, whatever that is) when i was about 9. I have kept it up on and off ever since. WHY? well because i really enjoy doing it. Of course Printmaking is my true love, although due to being pretty much a sort of mad recluse nowadays i don’t do that any more. However i do plan to do some bleeding art again. In fact, i have, its here . In fact if it weren’t for the fact that sleep is utterly beyond all reach AGAIN and my brain was working a bit better id ...be in bed asleep right now.... FUCK IT!

OOooops this post was supposed to be about the figures. I can paint these little things quite well, and i’m getting better and learning new techniques all the time. My photography skills need a little work in order to get the best pictures though. I take pictures of these things in natural light so to so the colours off the best. This means turning the lounge into a little photographic studio and it’s all rather ad-hock.

Anyway that’s that.

NOTE: It is 22 December 2009 04:49 a.m I’ve had about 7 hours sleep in the last 3 days!

In other news my Girlfriend of some 11ish years had her 3 month scan and the baby is looking good! wow I’m gonna be a dad and i’m very pleased...

NOTE 2) This is honest. This is an honest blog thing, and i may upset people on it. Over the years i have become highly skilled at this but remember its nothing personal.

Anyway more later.....

Monday, December 21, 2009

i am writing this at 5:26a.m

Once again all semblance of sleep has eluded me. I stayed up till one a.m in the vain hope that i would get a good night sleep. That didn’t work. Lake of sleep is the worst thing. i maybe slept for two hours. The i woke up and that was it. Tiny angry brain mice scuttle around chewing at my brain. It is mental agony and i have to wait until Tuesday before i see the doctor again.
whilst I'm here it seems a good idea to give you a run down of what's been happening the last few days...

TUESDAY 15th saw the arrival of an old school friend, Will. Actually it was touch and go as to whether he would turn up at all as id been in town all day chasing hashish. Failing to get any and being ripped off. causing me to drink some booze. Now i know how utterly wrong it is for someone in my position to smoke hashish, but some one in my position doesn’t always think straight. In fact i don’t think at all really. I will not go into detail about what happened, that would be pointless. What i can say however is it was stupid. I thought if I'm gonna take the medicine the doctor gives out i may as well try getting some of my own medicine too.
Anyway Vicky had called Will to tell him i may not be home or if i was home id be drunk and he shouldn’t come. Luckily i managed to leave a message basically saying ‘please, please PLEASE(!!) come as the idea of having someone around the house with me seemed like some kind of saviour. Also a good deal of the reason why i was late home (it went from ETA 7pm to around 9:30ish) was due to an interesting random meeting with a bunch of crustys camping in Trafalgar square because of the terrible nature of the climate. These people have there hearts in the right place and i actually had a good conversation with some one there about manic depression...
So i turns out Will doesn’t turn up till gone midnight. We sit up talking both having tales of woe to unravel.
I sleep on and off with no voices or visions of death burning flesh and other nightmares...

WEDNESDAY 16th we spend the day lazing, shopping and cooking a rather fine roast diner with duck. All in my brain is well although i do have to take a few clorazapam as my nerves are edgy feeling of paranoia upon leaving the house. I believe strongly that just the physical presence of Will was enough to make me feel 100% better. We went to the supermarket and i noticed, although did not mention it, that the lights were flickering at their special rate but this was not so bad to deal with as i was not alone.
I do remember mentioning to Will about feeling a bit odd out on the street.

The food was good and i think i was beginning to feel as though i was maybe past the worst of this whole thing.... Sleep was better i remember.

THURSDAY 17th. Will and i had agreed not to have any drink at all whilst he stayed. It was strange as we have pretty much got drunk every time we have seen each other for about the last ten years!

NOTE>>>> It is now 5:54A.M i feel very odd and a little crazy. The thoughts i have in my brain sort of race around all fizzy, its dirty fizz like when you drop one of those tablets in water for a headache. Not clean fizz like in lemonade. my eyes are sticky and i itch all over and i hear muffled noises sometimes that are the voices. AND IT FUCKS ME OFF SO MUCH that the anti-phycotic drug that zyprexa seems to not only not work but also have the opposite effect to what it’s for. And i know the doctors are sometimes so utterly full of crap and is it so bad to crave a little bit off weed? YES SIR YES it is, because Olanzapine is so so so so so much safer and better.... 6A.M no point in trying to sleep now.

back to THURSDAY. It was a snow day and the sky was like a gray slab of solid stone. And it was freezing (like now!) but we did go and see “have i got news for you recorded” it was very cold in the Que. and close by is a shop. I bought 2 miniature bottles of Jack Daniel's against Wills wishes. it helped with the cold but more importantly it made sitting in the audience that seemed like a crowd of weird angry monsters possible. Was Will, is Will understanding of any of this? i am still unsure. He has many problems to deal with as it is and to be honest i’m bloody good at hiding all this away....

FRIDAY 18th, this turned out to be a very bad day. I did not sleep and was feeling very hyper and sort of filled with the dark energy that comes into my head and body that is like a spinning filth tornado. I’m sure i did say to Will about this. Any way will goes to see his friend. I go to Brixton and get about 200 Christmas cards to post for the lib dems. Thinking this is enough to quell the rising lunacy i go home however once at home i realise its a much better idea to keep moving about so i go shopping. Up the high street and in every second hand shop i think i talk/rant at every one i come across. It is loud and smelly and bad. I go in a pub.
I will not make excuses here. I will state facts as i see them. first the facts as they seemed that day.
A)friendly people are always in pubs, even if its just the barman, there's always somebody there to talk to.
B)Alcohol has a beautiful numbing effect.
C)a possible lack of judgement on my part was that i honestly thought i could have one drink and then make it home.

It was about 2pm. Within about twenty minutes of being in the pub i had formed the idea that staying there until someone was at our house was possibly the best thing to do.Also still not having a mobile phone was a major bad thing.

NOTE: the mobile phone is a life saver. Without on the sufferer of mental illness is surely lost. Also on a different thing, the stars at night seem to help. I look at them and they seem to speak calming words....

back to FRIDAY. I spoke with lots of Christmas cheer filled people and became lucid and drunk. also i lost track and perception of time. BUT suddenly the stupidity of what i had done, (once again) became apparent. and i think i tried to run all the way home.
Getting there i was greeted with anger.
this is justifiable. i had been very wrong and was now paying for it. The details are unimportant, but the upshot of the anger towards me was nearly intolerable. I drank two pots of coffee and did manage to sober up enough to get back to earth.
That night i slept for 3 hours and then had to (as with tonight) get up.

NOTE: forgive me if i’m repeating my self but insomnia is a cunt. it is the worst place to be be at 3 a.m lying in bed a million miles from sleep. A doctor once told me if you can’t sleep after a certain amount of time just get up. I don’t know if this is the best advice but getting up and putting the mind to work on something. ANYTHING! is better that lying there wriggling like a salt covered slug with a head filled with bad thoughts.
On this occasion due to Will sleeping in the lounge.... and our house only really containing a bedroom, kitchen and lounge doing anything other than sitting in the kitchen was out of the question. So i sat there, in the kitchen drinking hot milk with honey and grated nutmeg (a possible cure for 99% of all ills) for a while. Due to it being a Saturday morning i went back to bed around 5ish, and spoke a while with vicky.Finally at 7A.M i was able to get up have a shower and go out for breakfast. I felt extremely odd tht morning rushing round sainsburys!! I also had a sort of mad row with the customer service people about this god damn nector card business.... that NOTE seems to have turned into ‘what hapened on Saturday’

SATURDAY 19th. I bought a sort of sorry card for Will as he had seemed awful angry with me and i got breakfast also. Money flows out of me extremely easily when i’m gonig through a stage like this...

Anyway, Will seemed likehe’d forgiven me. We all left the house together Will heading of to, well I’m not really sure, but he’ll sort it out. Vicky and i did shopping which was nice but i was feeling likemy brain was on a trampaleen.
That night however i must have slept for ten hours!! hurry, but also a possible reason for why i got up a t half five this morning...

SUNDAY 20th, yesterday! do you really want to know what happened? DO YOU??

Well nothing bad, Vicky and i had a brilliant day posting Christmas cards for the mad politicians (exersise/good deed!) this made me feel better. TRied also to cut down on the caffeen.

NOTE: sometimes i feel as though i am teetering on the dge of being extremely angry about anything that happens. Is this because i feel that things are going wrong on purpose due to me? ALSO why are the soctors so toss at helping, so short on time and so eager to push drugs into your eyeballs face and neck?


It is nearly 7A.M an normal time to be up and about!!! hurray. Between 3 and 6 a.m are is the worse. The darkest part of the night is just before dawn. Like the second world war and the end of the fucking Xfactor.

MORE later.....

Sunday, December 20, 2009

slide show notes....

ABOVE^^^^^^ are a few pictures i have taken over the last few days which go from good times, to bad times to good times again. As you see I start with pictures of the duck Will it was amazing in many ways. It’s been great to have Will around for a bit, an unexpected guest and a true friend. I did how ever manage to piss him off by having panic attack which led to the pub and me returning quite a ruin. More of that later.
BACK TO THE SHOW
the pictures after the duck show, i suppose the depressing sights/sites along streatham high road. Then a few from the actual pub visit. Followed by other stark/bleak images, random pictures and a lovely toad in the hole i cooked...
Today we posted lots of post cards to people we don’t know and have never/will never meet, this was for political reasons but i took a few pictures of the places we visited.

Now as it is only a few days from Christmas i will maybe not post again for a bit. Actually i will because A)i have lots to tell you all (you lucky people) and B)it feels damn good to be writting all this pudding down. Better out the brain than in, if you konw what i mean.... so the next issue should be before Christmas day....

Monday, December 14, 2009

A FOOT NOTE....

this is also a short test

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING

On Thursday the 3rd of December i was sitting at my figure painting desk at about half three/quarter to four. I suddenly felt a great overwhelming sense of utter despair and depression. Sort of like a great horrible wave of terror and a vast sadness. I also think i heard voices at the back of and behind my head telling me to kill my self and that the end of the world was rapidly approaching. This was accompanied by a sort of internal hallucination of a fire burning at the end or the curve of the earth. I had to stop what i was doing and lie down whilst wave after wave of fear and a complete feeling of being out of control of my brain and any of the thoughts within it fully took hold.



I suppose i should put this into some kind of context, at around the turn of the last millennium i was diagnosed with the mental disorder now known as ‘bipolar affective disorder’ or as i prefer to call it ‘Manic-deprssion’. I was in my early 20’s when this label was attached, but I had had previous episodes of this problem in my teens that had not been recognised. These earlier episodes seem to have been very strongly tied up with my excessive use of drugs including a heavy use of the drug LSD. I suppose looking back on those days i thought the madness i was experiencing were directly related to the drug use. However some where along the line i got together with possibly the greatest living girl who had the insight to see that my fear of the phones being tapped, the internet(yes even in 2000 we were fully online!) controlling my thoughts and me being followed and seeing/hearing things that weren’t there being more that just the side effects of a large spliff intake. I was very nearly sectioned at one point when a nasty incident occurred with a knife, but that's a different part of the story. Since then i have had a battle with bouts of both Mania and Depression and more often than not these to mind sets occurring at the same time.



When Vicky(the greatest living girl) got home that evening however i did feel a bit less horrendous and managed to keep the mask of non-insanity firmly in place, although it was one of general depression. That night i did actually fall straight asleep, but at around 2:15 a.m i half woke up an lay there for the remainder of the night hearing a growling, a voice in the room talking about the various methods of suicide and seeing visions of fires burning, and strange mutated devils.... not very nice.



Friday 4th and luckily Vicky had the day off work due to an appointment in the middle of the day. I did sleep for an hour or so and when i actually got out of bed the growlier had quietened. I was, though, pretty sure that the end of the world was only hours away. With some kind of odd (or possible not odd at all) twist of fate i had an appointment with the consultant I had previously seen, once. This was however at a hospital in Clapham, one i had not visited before. Vicky went out for her appointment before me and once alone i started to feel very hyper and worried about going out. What happened was first i left the house, got to the train station before i realised i had left the map/details for the appointment at home. Panicked i went home to get it and missed the train. Then the next train was delayed and i missed the connecting train. Even more panicked i ran from the station (Battersea) and spoke rather garbled nonsense to a mad at the station what i should do. He told me to get a bus. I got on the bus with twenty minutes to go. However the bus seemed to be going into a part of London i had never seen and so i got off it. I now realise how odd this was but i felt so impatient and, well, mad! I walked for about half an hour with gibbering in my head and a fear cloud engulfing my rational thoughts. I had no credit on my phone so could not call and for a while was to scared to get some credit, but i did and that tiny act alone calmed me enough to get a grip on the situation. I called the doctors receptionist and explained what had happened, she said she’d send out a letter. I then called Vicky and told her my tale of woe. I was now somewhere in Clapham, very close to a pub and a bus stop. I had convinced myself a drink would help calm my nerves, but i was also aware that Vicky would be in now way happy if i had a drink. I very very nearly went into that pub but a bus was suddenly there and i just got on it.





Now what you must understand is although the above passage seems innocuous enough, in my mind i had been prevented from seeing this doctor for some reason. None of what happened had been coincidence, it had all happened as some kind of plan. I worked this out as i walked home from the bus stop. I also decided not to tell Vicky this as it would indicate my mental state sliding into chaos. The strange nature of this thing is having an awareness that these thoughts are wrong, dangerous and the signs of sickness, but being unable to detach from them. I believe them even though they are mad. This is hard for me to understand, and probably hard for you to understand too.




My memory of the rest of that day seems blank. I remember feeling odd and fearful and very depressed.


I was hearing a voice telling me to kill myself and also telling me of the impending apocalypse but, by the evening i thought that possibly drink was the answer. A few beers. Then a bottle of wine. Then half a bottle of Vodka. Maybe this doesn’t sound much, or maybe it sounds like an awful lot. I have drunk much more without being mad, and much less and been completely insane. . I drank this amount of booze over many hours though the evening and for a while managed to ‘drown’ out the voices and drunkenly convince myself i was not having some kind of mental collapse, which is quite ironic, as the speed and amount i was drinking should have told me the opposite.



FURTHER BACKGROUND:



I have been pretty much been %100 well for over a year and a half. For the last, lets say two years, before that i’d been quite bad with depression and had been on a lot of drugs of the legal kind. Now these drugs have a lot of different names but Olanzapine (evil!) and Lithium(neutral) are the names i remember. Also diazepam(good) and the hideous sleeping pill Zopiclone, hideous because its side effect (for me anyway) is to make everything taste of a awful metallic rancidity. Now i am not adverse to taking these drugs and i do believe that Lithium is a fantastic mood stabiliser. I do however think that the powerful anti-phycotic drugs are prescribed for to quickly when often times a few bloody good nights sleep can be just as effective.


Sleep however becomes extremely elusive during a manic episode, and the sleeping drugs (Zopiclone etc.) endues a kind of sleep that is only partially helpful. The ‘calmers’(diazepam, clonazepam etc.) do ‘calm’ but leave the mind in a place where thoughts are really only have formed shadows and phantoms.




BACK TO THE PRESENT.


At some point late in the evening of the 4th of December 2009 i twittered a big load of bollocks, the tweets may or may not still be there. They are a combination of gibberish,anger and a call to people to listen to the tunes i was broadcasting. I have no memory of going to bed, but i awoke at around 3 a.m with a loud growling and voices, two voices, one my one which was not in my control and a second one in the room talking about the end of the world. Also i was still quite drunk. I saw a lump of raw metal dug up smelted, (or what ever it is they do) turned into a screw, used in a satellite sent into space and finally become a tiny piece of floating rubbish in space. these seemed very important.




Saturday 5th was utter hell as I'm pretty sure i lost my mind quite a bit. I lay in bed with nightmare on elm street that seemed to last six or seven hours.the voices and the growling were loud. The growling was in the house, in the walls!



That night i slept very well.No vision, no voices probably a solid eight hours. This i put down to utter exhaustion.



Sunday 6th, i spent lying on the settee watching things on dvd. I felt utterly depressed with a huge heavy weight of doom on me, however the voices were a lot quieter and the growling was more of a whimper.


Vicky was obviously extremely worried about me and i wasn’t being very good at alleviating that worry. I don’t remember too much detail but i do remember ‘Top Gear’ on the tv helping. I went to bed and slept till 3’ish. Awoken by vague whispers and again the fires on the curve of the earth. But i just lay there with rather less fear that previously.



Monday 7th. I laid in and Vicky took the day off. She was phoning the mental health people that are conveniently situated at the end of our road! Unluckily no appointments were free. I don’t remember much of this day either.



BACKGROUND



I have seem, over the years at least fifteen mental health professionals ranging from the moronic to the utterly inspiring. Over half fall into the first category. The biggest problem they have is a lack of time. Time to spent with the patient, time to make thought-intesive decisions, and time to consider the impact of there actions. This is not usually there fault and i do have sympathy and a large amount of respect for them. This said they can be arrogant,inconsistent and as bonkers as the people they ‘treat’.


Trust has always been an issue for me with these people. Both my parents suffer from mental health problems and growing up seeing them ‘treated’ by the ‘experts’ created in me a very understandable fear of the whole situation of mental illness.


The doctor that gave the name to my ‘condition’ was, it has to be said brilliant. Doctor Stevens at Winchester hospital had time, insight, and consistency. She went a long way in restoring my faith in the mental health services of this country. Winchester is not London though, and i expect the levels of the intensity of in Winchester ‘madness’ are very different from London. I mention this because i because if it weren’t for her I would have a lot less time and faith in any of the frazzled out pros I've seen in the metropolis. To begin with i was given prozac which actually pretty much put me in a very psychotic state. I do remember (so time in around 2000-2001) downloading and printing out hundreds of pages of information on subjects ranging from bomb making to the occult to diagrams of telephone exchanges. This information seemed vital to me surviving. Due to the fact that i was at art college and hashish and weed were more common that a good meal and every one else seemed a little mad (mad and stoned are interchangeable to a certain degree) i was accepted as just another ‘stoner’ by most people. Doctor Stevens was totally aware that i was smoking a lot of drugs, and although she was against it we had long semi-rational conversations about its merits/problems. I to this day believe tamazepam to be equally as counter productive as hashish, but that discussion os for another time.



I do not take drugs really at all anymore. They are a rare treat and i am very aware of their dangers. Alcohol on the other hand is an entirely different matter and i enjoy it regularly.



WHERE WERE WE?



Tuesday 8th. I had another good nights sleep but was still feeling all over the place with racing thoughts and odd feelings. I remember little detail now but do know that at 2pm i went to see the mental health people.


Two doctors (or one doctor and one nurse) and a student doctor/nurse. I was and still am confused as to exactly who two of them were. I spoke with these people for about 45 minutes. I spoke at them. I tried to fit in the whole of the past five days events into half an hour. This was not so easy and i found myself repeating myself, going off at random tangents and coming across as a kind of happy but angry scared sweating goof-ball. I told them about the demons i saw at some point that had hands with eyes in them. I said i wanted a magic stone exorcism because i’d seen it on True Blood and thought it might help me too!


General nutty shit like that. The doctor gave me a script for Clonazepam (which is a general calmer downer i believe) and sent me on my way. NOTE: i was told to take two 500-micrograms, this is half a milligram, three times a day. This is therefore 3 milligrams a day.



The rest of the day sort of blurred away into a Clonazepam haze. That night i slept but woke up but couldn’t move. This was not so unpleasant and i endured it. No voices or growling.




Wednesday 9th. I took two tablets first thing. I felt actually quite normal and decided to go out to Balham to do some shopping. They say getting exercise is good at improving mental health but sometimes walking along with only your own thoughts for company can be quite intense. The shopping went fine but at some point on the walk back from Balham across tooting common as the sunset on a eerie light day a switch went off in my head. I just suddenly felt very odd again. I got home but felt completely ill at ease in the house. The walls seemed to be closing in and outside it was dark and i wanted to keep walking. I called Vicky and told her i was feeling a bit odd an needed to walk a bit more.


I walked to the pub. I proceeded to get quite drunk. The Clonazepam mixed with the Alcohol made me go all extremely drunk very quickly. I managed to loss my mobile phone, get some mud on my face and draw a rather good picture of the queen mum eating cat food. I had thoughtfully taken with me a drawing pad and some pens, almost as if i knew i was out to try and document the events!


Anyway i got myself home Vicky was upset but more concerned than angry. I fell asleep on the sofa with fight club on. Later i woke up and stubbled to bed.




Thursday 10th. To be honest i remember little of this day. I remember thinking that i should feel more hung over than i did, but then remembering i didn’t actually drink that much as it was the combined effect of the drug and the drink that had got me so wobbly. So I'm afraid there is little to really report. No voices and only slight growling, although still a fear of some possible world ending/changing event. Tiger woods seemed to be on my mind a lot.




FURTHER NOTES ON THE FROM THE EDGE



The sliding rule of Manic-depression is a long one. You can be in so many different states within quite a short space of time. At least in my experience. Mania comes in may forms from rapid thoughts that don’t finish properly, paranoia, seemingly endless nervous energy and hearing voices. The last one is a pretty good indication of being ill. Is it however actual psychosis? Also can psychosis be there one day and gone the next, or does it really take months to cure? how rapid is the cycle of mania-depression? can both the manic and the depressive states exist at the same time? I don’t know the answers to the questions and i suspect a far few of the doctors and consultants i have seem couldn’t truthfully answer them either. It is my belief that taking a drug to counter act a chemical situation within the mind can do more harm than good. Would i have gone and got drunk on Wednesday had i not been in the fluffy dope haze of CLONAZEPAM (have a look at the side effects, particularly the second one!!)





Friday 11th. This was an infuriating day. Basically due to a admin error, although at the time it seems much more than just that. I had been given on the Tuesday, by the consultant/doctor/whatever which was to be at 10 a.m. I took two ‘calmers’ and 3 cups of coffee for breakfast and went down the road to my appointment. The place itself is basically hideous. you are buzzed in, they never speak to you on the intercom, just buzz you in. It is on the second floor so you go up a flight of stairs. At the bottom of this flight of stairs in a large bag of gritting salt. This has been there since the ‘big London snow day’. I think this is a general indication of the attitude of the place.


The waiting room was actually refurbished this summer. They managed to make it look worse, replacing the normal chairs with the kind of wipe-able things you see in old peoples homes and they took down all the pictures. And put up a 3ft by 2ft sign. The receptionist sit behind bullet proof glass and there are armed security guards....Okay, they don’t have armed guards but its a pretty intimidating place. No windows, no natural light...


So i go up to the glass screen and say i have an appointment at 10 a.m. They look a little confused and ask with who. I try and explain i do not remember the doctors name which doesn’t seem to go down to well. They ask my name and one at a computer at the other end of the room from the glass window looks me up.



“Yes, Philip you have an appointment on the 8th of January 2010”


Brilliant.


I reply,“well no, i came on Tuesday and they told me to come back at today at 10....”


before i have time to finish the woman at the actual counter now says


“No you do not have an appointment today at all” and something along the lines of “your not in the book”


by this time i begin to feel a bit angry and a bit panicked, is it some kind of joke? what’s going on here, why can’t these people be a bit nicer...



“take a seat and i’ll let you know what’s happening” says reception lady, curtly.



So i sit down for quarter of an hour. just waiting for the ‘news’. I make sure quarter of an hour has passed and i go back to the counter.



“oh yes, someone might be able to see you after 10:30.....” So i sort of launch into something along the lines of



“you said you would let me know what was happening and i sat there for quarter of an hour because you said you would let me know when you had any news. You obviously now have that news and yet you did not let me know, how long would i have had to sit there before you told me this...etc.”




At some point whilst i was saying this she picked up the phone and started making a phone call. I think i felt my blood pressure rise slightly at that point.I said something like “good grief what is this! you don’t have to be so rude, how is this in any way my fault”



I decided to leave at this point but as i was going a woman came out a side door and asked what the problem was, i explained, she looked baffled and a little concerned. I finished by saying



“basically it comes down to good manners. If the person on reception was a bit nicer, possibly even saying sorry for the problem, i would not feel so upset. I mean I only come here when I'm feeling a bit out of sorts as it is and good manners cost nothing.....” you feel me?



The upshot of this (and this is by now way the first time this has happened) was of me storming home with a panicky anger and a disbelief that the people who work in such a sensitive area should be so utterly insensitive. about an hour later i get a phone call from the actually doctor she says come back at 2pm.


Good job i only live five minutes from the place eh?


So i go back, its not worth recording here the events of that meeting other than to say that she seemed to think i was psychotic and need to go on a gradually increasing amount of drugs that will stop the psychosis. As i walk home i think to my self, i could have literally said anything to her, in there, and this would have been the up shot of the appointment. I have to say i did cry in there with her because i couldn’t believe she was telling me to take mind-fuck tablets worse than MDMA for the next six months to two fucking years because i had heard voices for a few days and been a little crazy!...... them’s the brakes.


That night i slept perfectly, no voices, no horrors, no dreams. The best type of sleep.




NOTES:


Is she right? Does she know best? i have spent no more than two hours in her company and she is deciding the next two years of my life will be a drug addled haze. I have been here before and it is not such a good place. For the last year and a bit I have been 95% mentally fit. I have enjoyed beer and wine throughout this time as a kind of relaxant like every body else does without any major problems. Now that enjoyment is banned. Worse though is the fact that the drug Olazapine(evil) is nasty. It turns your brain to mush and is linked to obesity, raised blood sugar, and actually shrinks the brains (within animal studies) by 14.6%. YIKES!




Saturday 12th. A truly wonderful day. I didn’t get the Olazapine so that nightmare was yet to start and i felt as well as i had before this whole thing had started. Vicky and i went out in the afternoon, she got her hair cut and i got some super bargain pc games for our ageing but still amazing laptop. I got the old classic driver which is fantastic, i love the way the cars move. also got age of rise of nations which i think will take some time to master. I have a later version of the same game on my mac which is completely time draining and magically complicated. Any way I played games and Vicky watched the Xfactor which i despise but it’s finished now so that’s good. On the trip out we’d picked up the script for the anti-psycotics so i had my first one that night. Slept the sleep of the drugged up psychotic i supposedly have become in the last week or so.




Sunday 13th. The 5mg of Olazapine had the instant effect of me losing a fair bit of control of my balance and my mind slowing to the speed of a sloth. Must say coffee is a winner in this situation. So we had a tidying day, by the afternoon the Olazapine must have worn off as i felt much clearer of head. I did a big bunch of sorting shit out which always helps. Poor Vicky was feeling quite low and my treat of sweets with meat in as a treat (she’s vegetarian) didn’t really help. Vicky is however, going to take up knitting, which gives me an idea for a Christmas gift....


I stayed up late last night looking at crap on the internet(more on that later) and thinking about this situation. I took my 5mg and sat up a bit longer than gave in to its effects.I slept as i slept the night before.




Monday 14th Thats today! i lied in bed till past ten! very rare, got up drank coffee and wrote this.

Sunday, December 13, 2009