Written at 6a.m Saturday Morning (of this much I am sure.)
Well yesterday I to see the doctor. The Big Cheese. The man with the plan, the governor, the God father of all things mental! And quite frankly Wow, I have a new hero. Well that might be taking it abit far but his utter candid honesty, no bull shit approach was such a breath of fresh air. Don’t let me get carried away here he’s not fuckin perfect, far from it. It’s just nice to see one who treats you as a human on equal standing rather than a body of fat and bone that needs pumping up with enough drugs you don’t mind day time tv….
However the big news is that my diognosis my be different, from what it has been for years! Yes folks I ain’t no manic depressive ‘i’m ‘schizoaffective disorder’ STOP Please don’t see the word schizo and think schizophrenic. As I am of the understanding these two diagnoses are TOTALLY different.
You see these shrinks have a special language they use to confuse the patients and then later the same day most likely confuse themselves. In order to be a good head doctor you have to come over as if you know what you’re on about. Now I ain’t sayin these guys don’t know what they’re on about but sometimes a use of a fancy word here and there helps them a)feel secure in what they are saying b)confuse and amaze the patient into the understanding that the doc knows best.
Example: a person with bi-polar (me up until yesterday, possibly!!) will experience Mania. Google it. A person with schizoaffective disorder may experience hyper-mania. Now as I see it in the English laugage ‘hyper’ means ‘more/more intense ….you catch my drift here buddy? However in the arcane world of phyciastry Hyper means the opposite. Hyper-mania is not as severe as straight up mania. SEE? ….no? well yes, it is confusing. It confuses me leading to anxiety which in turn irritates the condition. It is a murky noir world, this world of head-shrinks, that’s for sure!
And so I have symptoms of both bi-polar, which are rapid cycling mood swings coupled with aural… nope that’s not the word, a-aural (?) WTF ever, I hear, sometimes voices, Voices and growls and shit like that. People with straight up bi-polar don’t get this. Exept they do! But their voices are different…. Oh fuck me sideways its all crazy ahahaha!!!!
A few other things I remember of the intense half-hour or so I spend with this beautifully-minded man was his need to find out from me the pros and cons of digital dicta-phones, and his odd relationship with the notion of the occult. I saw this because at one point we were speaking of this subject and he said he ‘didn’t believe in it’ , how ever later he used the phrase ‘if I had a crystal ball’ . Now in my book the mention of the idea of having a crystal ball suggests prophecy. A classic occult practice. Read into this what you will, I personally think these phrases slip into the English language then jump out and bite us on the ass/arse!
Also a print on the wall was so utterly distracting as it had a frog, a monkey, a naked woman, an amazing waterfall, a native American Indian fella and some kind of magic plant in it1 This kept destracting my already distracted mind, and so I have blank areas in my mind of the conversation with the doctor. Next time I will take a Dictaphone!
So that’s that …confused? I am, but then I’m half mad, half the time, making me fully mad for quarter of the time …. Beep-beep.
Anyway apart from the appointment itself the business of going to the hospital and getting back totally feckled up my legs! Yep I have the legs of an unhealthy 70 year old!... this is my theory. It was a maximum of 2 degrees yesterday, bloody bloody cold for sure. I wore a tee-shirt a shirt, a hoody and and a thick coat. As well as a hat a scarf and gloves. My Upper body was fine. My lower half had on the single layer of jeans. I walked skidded and slipped from Brixton high street to Lambeth hospital. Probably a twenty minute walk, I also the walked back down streatham high road as I need very badly to look for bargains in second hand shops! I diddn’t really notice at the time but I reckon my legs were actually very cold. So I gets home and fall fast asleep on the settee (a blood rare event at present) woken by the phone I get up to answer it only to find the old legs aren’t even attempting to work!!!
Now whilst in Brixton/streatham I saw many poorly dressed people I saw a man in a tee-shirt and thin hoodie! What the fuck they felt like later that day is beyond me…Moral of this story, when its cold dress up warm or your legs might pack up.
FINALLY …..DRUGS I have possibly become addicticted to the drug that stops me being ill. WHY THE FUCK is it FINE to take lithium for years but not clorazalazaplaziopam or what ever its called?!?!? The stuff works man! Whats the problem?
Right I’m off to read a bit more of Crowley’s book 4 ….. see yaz….
No comments:
Post a Comment