3.a.m.

WARNING THIS BLOG ENTRY IS UNEDITED AND MAY MAKE UTTERLY NO SENSE!

03:39 a.m
So its half 3 in the a.m and I am woken by exploding night terrors burning fires, the end of the world. Olazapine is a made up drug. Either it doesn’t work for me or I am imunne to its powers of ‘have a good nights sleep’ effect. Mind you I did go to sleep hours eslrier than usual. On Vickys behalf I had hot milk woth all the trimmings and went up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire before it was 11 p.m Events rapidly overtake one an other and this horrid stinking wet cold weather is to blame in more than one way. I lost my temper very rapidly and without any warning last night. I lost it like I don’t remember losing it for a long long time. Maybe that’s why I’m up at this time… Also I am reducing the amount of cloplazapapmaam or wtf ever they are called so seem to be way more irritalble. ISN’t it fucked?? The p.doc is happy to stick you on a drug for months that causes diebeites ,massive weight gsain, shrinking monkey brains and it’s other many side effects seem worse than any of the favours it has to offer, but, ween you of the stuff that seems to actually help. Now I don’t mind being addicted to a drug. A legal drug. I’ve smoked for too long anyway. OOooh jesus god alive and all the saints and angels I feel very very bad and low. At least, due to low cloud cover its not dark outside. Its orange. This is just the ramblings of a lunatic. Affected by the cycle of the moon the victim falls into a strange pattern.
“hows your sleep?”-a standed phyc-docts question. Answer: totally lacking in any pattern or power. I love the night anyway. I hate it when the n light starts coming, although lately just that has been enough to make me feel less mental. My sicks itchy like the old velvet underground song. Its ‘cos of the weather. But it feels like its ‘cos its 4 in the fucking morning and you csan see why I’m so fucking angry….
I have snippets of different early cure songs slapping about my head walls.
I have ideas so wrong and mad and bad I dare not write them down. I have a chance to see family members I haven’t seen for yesars and years and years but am so safriad I just can’t face it. I can’t face anything with out a`fight with my own brain. I can’t watch tv or listen to the radio. These things quickly become noise of devils. Whrn will I start getting better? It’s been weeks now, to long to be going through all this squalled mind fuck filth …. Like that (it’s a modern mash up I think) over-and-over-and-over-and-over. Blah blah blah …. Whaat can you do at 4a.m other that write and write. I’m not worried anymore about sticking this on the internet. Nobody reads it. HAHaa….oh I need anti-itching cream, a bath of it…

Every thing is really good then every thing is really bad then it all goes good again and I have no control over any any any of it. I will sit here and write because doing that is better than sitting here doing what? What can you do at 04.04a.m? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK…….

I’m gonna writer about something other then me. Im’ going to write about the last truly great film I saw. It is called DEAD SNOW. It is a Norwegian horror-comedy. It has zombie-nazis and great references to all the old gore-films. In the early eighties when the VHS palyer first came out, the big Hollywood production houses were scared of it. They did not release there films on it. This is why, back then, the strange dirty video rental corner shops where filled with all kinds of ‘nasties’ because it was the smaller independent and forgin production houses that were putting out filmds on VHS. Dead Snow is on of thoughs. A true video nastie. And it loves being one. At some point (it was before scream came along)… could have been as early as ‘the evil dead’ grimey seedy video nasties started making references to other grimey seed video nasties. You will see film posters for other genre films on the walls in genre fims. The victims will be watching something on the tv….like I think nancy in ‘nightmare on elm street’ is watching the evil dead on tv whilst trying to stay awake.

Its funny and more than a little warped I think , that I’d put this kind of film on to zone out to more than any other. But I know why I do. I do because the sicker, bloodier the film, the more fun the film makers had making it. Don’t get me wrong, there is a line. ‘last house on the left’ ‘I spit on your grave’ ‘etc, the real explotation stuff is hard to\ watch. I don’t think its this type I’m on about. I’,m on about the self aware silly shockers ……

This is just fucking therapy now. Don’t bother reading it, I’m probably the only person who will read it and I’M only reading it cos I’m writing it….
4:20 a.m

What shall I do?