I don’t know for sure what day it is . Yesterday I was sure it was Saturday but I was wrong. I think it must be Friday today. I do not trust time any more. It is a really tricksy bugger and sometimes I think it doesn’t work at all. Rapid cycle manic depression is so funny I laugh till I cry. Then I get a burst of energy and I want to go to the shop and some one says what do you need and I don’t know what I need other than to go to the shop.
THIS should have a bit of background before I get too carried away by all the bramble-rambles eating up my inside brain area. This is the general thing but as I have said I do not know the day, time is being tricksy and my marbles are gone for sure.
YESTERDAY (insert day/date once aware of them) I got up at a normal time!! Brilliant. Vicky was off work as we were travelling from London to here. Here is where I am now. It is Oxford countryside which is all of beauty and happy family warmth but more of that later. I did not tell Vicky until we actually got here but at some points in the morning I was so terrified about the whole thing I was very close to calling the whole Christmas trip off. But I didn’t. no . no that would have been giving into what I think is satan. The devils are closest at this time of day. The trip was very bad and I was very close to losing my control over my anger at more than one time. This was of course because I am well aware that 80% of people at this time of stress are unable to produce manners. However bumping into some one is one thing, pushing some one out of the way is something else all together. I tried to redress the balance by helping an old lady with her case, but all in all manners at Paddington train station have been pretty much out lawed. This evil putrid fetid hell that is a London large train station however many days it is before Christmas….
NOTE!!! I just realised today is actually Christmas eve HOLY FUCKING COCK SHIT ALIVE!!!! This was once a truly meaningless rubbish day for me but now I am filled with great wonder and the happy joys of a crispy frosty happy happy joy Christmas joy ooooooH!!!!
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…………………………Now where was I ?? the train journey from London to Didcot was amazing I spoke with a really nice guy and the views were utterly stunning and so incredible I found it quite hard not to shout out it the carriage “stop fiddling with your blackberries and your laptops(we had snuck into first class…) and look out the windows you big bunch of red faced nice watch wearing business types AAARRRRGGGGHHH” for some reason with the AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH bit in the style of a of pantomime pirate. Where was? I don’t know, but I was thinking that the only better time than Christmas is Halloween and I think there should be more gift giving on Halloween, and more scares at Christmas. It’s hard to explain that all the thoughts in your brain are going around at 2.5684 billion years a second and fires are really burning out of control all along the edge of the world when it’s a lovely happy family Christmas time. But I am happy. Apart from the sleep issue but I think 4-5 hours isn’t too bad really. OOOh I wish I could describe to you the utter compelling beauty of the view across snow white fields dotted with rolling fog balls… I expected to see Gandalf riding through those fields. Time keeps on ticking, ticking into the future. That’s a song lyric but I don’t know what song its from. I have electric thoughts racing like sort of liquid silver tear drops back and forth. I can nearly actually see them. But then I just sit and think I must be making it all up because it can’t be true. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? ……where was I ? HELP I had a real idea what I was gonna write but its all flew off like crows fly off the fields when the train goes by. The train, that was it, I was saying about manners and the like and how Paddington (the station, not the bear) had somewhat removed my ability to see humans as anything more than angry cattle. Actually this was also the case earlier at Victoria, I don’t want Paddington to get all the blame! However, on the train a thing of true wonder happened that made me so happy I was close to tears of bronzed joy. I lie, Three things of great faith restoring restoringness (can’t thing of the words) The First was a kind lovely man let Vicky sit with him in a big leather first class chair and said he would buy anything she liked for her from the little food trolley. This I was not however aware of until we had arrived.
The main thing was this: I go up to the
[NOTE: (totally separate from the story I was about to tell, I just went out side for a little fag, I try to make them small as I seem to be smoking bleed tonnes of them. Is so dark and slippy and still and nice, I felt a rising urge to run about in the garden !!! amazing!!]
Now back to the train story. I go up to the buffet car, to get a expresso. FACT: expresso is £1.60, a double is £3.20. I ascertain this fact by asking the lady working the till. This lady is like a little plump smiling black angel. I sort of look dejected about this. I want a double but am not prepared to pay exactly twice as much for one. Stop me if I’m wrong but most times a double is not twice as much as a single. I’m used to it being like an extra 50p or so. Any way the golden smile black angel winks and says pay £1.60 and you can have a double anyway. WOW I say
“there aren’t many like you left” and she beams like a lottery winner.
That was the nicest A)thing to happen and B)expresso. I go back to looking out the window. It always reminds me of that song by the Who that has the lyric “out of my brain on the train.”….even when I am not out of my brain on the train, and believe me I’ve been out of my brain on the train a good few times in my life….
I want to say again over and over and over how beautiful that view was, even reading looked like narnia from that train on that day [insert day here].
What? Next? Well I get chatting to a young man who had been selling Christmas trees. Turns out he’s a musician, playing the blues and shit. Tells me about a special box he has made with a weird drum in it that sounds really good! Anyway I get his card. I say I’ll make him a video, and he’s nice enough to actually just accept this idea. I will email him today with a link to this blog.
I feel I should state now that I am filled with terrors beyond belief about tomorrow. This is not true. I swing constantly between terror and excitement. I have been rather manic with my money and bought every one presents and all kinds of silliness!! Oooh it’s good and bad at the same time….the food bit being also very exiting. That said I have no appetite what so ever but meat is something I crave a bit some times. Should I stop now? Should I just carry on?
NOTE: last night I sat in the lounge for a bit with Vicky and her mother and father and the tv was on. It was loud and to be honest it was very scary. All this is very scary and sometimes I want to sort of make it all stop. Time has a habit of playing evil tricks on you most times like this. The last half hour of clock time seems to have been about two hours long my time. I want to be both alone and surrounded by people at the same time. I have a strange nagging weariness that at the same time is a pulsing constant energy I WANT TO RUSH ABOUT stand up sit down , keep moving and doing and making thinking writing drawing talking telling stories and everything all at the same time. I just thought since the last blog update I saw the doctor. She’s a real good one, we had a good chat and she explained I need to be very careful over the Christmas period. However I was relieved to hear that although drinking is not advised the only real problem with it is that the drugs increase the affect of the booze. We talked about tonnes of other stuff to but I can’t be bothered with all that now….i think next time I go I will record the whole thing with some kind of special device.
OOOh one thing though was a quick discussion we had about SUSPIRIA, the greatest film ever made…. She hadn’t seen it but knew of the director. Is it the greatest film ever made?? I’m not sure really, Bullit is pretty good! ……on a separate and utterly shit side, I made a bunch of what I though were multi function CDs but they seem only to contain music. And not the drawings I had put onto them……
It is now quarter past 7 a.m a human time again. I feel the need to wash and wash and wash and my body aches…..
“jack the ripper was a robot controlled by aliens”-there, I’ve said it.
Also why oh why, oh why, oh why is it so odd to dance about when ipod is in ears? Vicky said “stop that you look like a nutter!!” …..speechless!!
Now I wonder what would happen if I ate all the bananas in the fruit bowl? There are six big ones…. I could leave the skins lying around in comedy places, this would balance out the fact that I ate them all……
Also as time tickles up my back and neck I get increasingly worried about the fact that the local shop in this lovely little village will not stock what I need, however I am totally unaware of what it is I need!!! Fucking crap it I get so angry with my self…oh well. The boy/young man on the train has written an album full of songs, I will email him later today!!!!!!! Whoop whoop I worry that he may think I’m mad but I think it would be really good like, to have a bit of music to make a little film for. I brought with me 3 different types of hair stuff to make my hair do what it is supposed to do… they are all shit! Hair cement should be in a powdered form, like real cement, that you sprinkle over your hair then add a bit of water and the hair will then become solid. I think my hair is too thin for any of the legal hair products to hold in place and I have no idea where to get hold of the black market harder stuff…. I reckon that those jedward off of wankfactor could get me some. That or they have very thick hair…..
The place where Vicky’s parents live really is the most wonderful restful. I look out the window (as it has finally got light) and I can see sheep in a field 20 foot away. Poor blighters must be totally freezing! I will take pictures and add them…. To a slide show of this festive time of happy happy joy joy joy happy ooooh eeeee oooo !!!! good God alive if I feel like this now what will I be like in tomorrow morning once dirty santa has shat his load down the chimney….
NOTE: both the drugs I am now taking for my lunacy have effects on my balance…. This makes me stubble about like a drunk. I slur my words alls. It’s all the side effects of booze with none of the sodding plus effects…. DAMN IT
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