Once again all semblance of sleep has eluded me. I stayed up till one a.m in the vain hope that i would get a good night sleep. That didn’t work. Lake of sleep is the worst thing. i maybe slept for two hours. The i woke up and that was it. Tiny angry brain mice scuttle around chewing at my brain. It is mental agony and i have to wait until Tuesday before i see the doctor again.
whilst I'm here it seems a good idea to give you a run down of what's been happening the last few days...
TUESDAY 15th saw the arrival of an old school friend, Will. Actually it was touch and go as to whether he would turn up at all as id been in town all day chasing hashish. Failing to get any and being ripped off. causing me to drink some booze. Now i know how utterly wrong it is for someone in my position to smoke hashish, but some one in my position doesn’t always think straight. In fact i don’t think at all really. I will not go into detail about what happened, that would be pointless. What i can say however is it was stupid. I thought if I'm gonna take the medicine the doctor gives out i may as well try getting some of my own medicine too.
Anyway Vicky had called Will to tell him i may not be home or if i was home id be drunk and he shouldn’t come. Luckily i managed to leave a message basically saying ‘please, please PLEASE(!!) come as the idea of having someone around the house with me seemed like some kind of saviour. Also a good deal of the reason why i was late home (it went from ETA 7pm to around 9:30ish) was due to an interesting random meeting with a bunch of crustys camping in Trafalgar square because of the terrible nature of the climate. These people have there hearts in the right place and i actually had a good conversation with some one there about manic depression...
So i turns out Will doesn’t turn up till gone midnight. We sit up talking both having tales of woe to unravel.
I sleep on and off with no voices or visions of death burning flesh and other nightmares...
WEDNESDAY 16th we spend the day lazing, shopping and cooking a rather fine roast diner with duck. All in my brain is well although i do have to take a few clorazapam as my nerves are edgy feeling of paranoia upon leaving the house. I believe strongly that just the physical presence of Will was enough to make me feel 100% better. We went to the supermarket and i noticed, although did not mention it, that the lights were flickering at their special rate but this was not so bad to deal with as i was not alone.
I do remember mentioning to Will about feeling a bit odd out on the street.
The food was good and i think i was beginning to feel as though i was maybe past the worst of this whole thing.... Sleep was better i remember.
THURSDAY 17th. Will and i had agreed not to have any drink at all whilst he stayed. It was strange as we have pretty much got drunk every time we have seen each other for about the last ten years!
NOTE>>>> It is now 5:54A.M i feel very odd and a little crazy. The thoughts i have in my brain sort of race around all fizzy, its dirty fizz like when you drop one of those tablets in water for a headache. Not clean fizz like in lemonade. my eyes are sticky and i itch all over and i hear muffled noises sometimes that are the voices. AND IT FUCKS ME OFF SO MUCH that the anti-phycotic drug that zyprexa seems to not only not work but also have the opposite effect to what it’s for. And i know the doctors are sometimes so utterly full of crap and is it so bad to crave a little bit off weed? YES SIR YES it is, because Olanzapine is so so so so so much safer and better.... 6A.M no point in trying to sleep now.
back to THURSDAY. It was a snow day and the sky was like a gray slab of solid stone. And it was freezing (like now!) but we did go and see “have i got news for you recorded” it was very cold in the Que. and close by is a shop. I bought 2 miniature bottles of Jack Daniel's against Wills wishes. it helped with the cold but more importantly it made sitting in the audience that seemed like a crowd of weird angry monsters possible. Was Will, is Will understanding of any of this? i am still unsure. He has many problems to deal with as it is and to be honest i’m bloody good at hiding all this away....
FRIDAY 18th, this turned out to be a very bad day. I did not sleep and was feeling very hyper and sort of filled with the dark energy that comes into my head and body that is like a spinning filth tornado. I’m sure i did say to Will about this. Any way will goes to see his friend. I go to Brixton and get about 200 Christmas cards to post for the lib dems. Thinking this is enough to quell the rising lunacy i go home however once at home i realise its a much better idea to keep moving about so i go shopping. Up the high street and in every second hand shop i think i talk/rant at every one i come across. It is loud and smelly and bad. I go in a pub.
I will not make excuses here. I will state facts as i see them. first the facts as they seemed that day.
A)friendly people are always in pubs, even if its just the barman, there's always somebody there to talk to.
B)Alcohol has a beautiful numbing effect.
C)a possible lack of judgement on my part was that i honestly thought i could have one drink and then make it home.
It was about 2pm. Within about twenty minutes of being in the pub i had formed the idea that staying there until someone was at our house was possibly the best thing to do.Also still not having a mobile phone was a major bad thing.
NOTE: the mobile phone is a life saver. Without on the sufferer of mental illness is surely lost. Also on a different thing, the stars at night seem to help. I look at them and they seem to speak calming words....
back to FRIDAY. I spoke with lots of Christmas cheer filled people and became lucid and drunk. also i lost track and perception of time. BUT suddenly the stupidity of what i had done, (once again) became apparent. and i think i tried to run all the way home.
Getting there i was greeted with anger.
this is justifiable. i had been very wrong and was now paying for it. The details are unimportant, but the upshot of the anger towards me was nearly intolerable. I drank two pots of coffee and did manage to sober up enough to get back to earth.
That night i slept for 3 hours and then had to (as with tonight) get up.
NOTE: forgive me if i’m repeating my self but insomnia is a cunt. it is the worst place to be be at 3 a.m lying in bed a million miles from sleep. A doctor once told me if you can’t sleep after a certain amount of time just get up. I don’t know if this is the best advice but getting up and putting the mind to work on something. ANYTHING! is better that lying there wriggling like a salt covered slug with a head filled with bad thoughts.
On this occasion due to Will sleeping in the lounge.... and our house only really containing a bedroom, kitchen and lounge doing anything other than sitting in the kitchen was out of the question. So i sat there, in the kitchen drinking hot milk with honey and grated nutmeg (a possible cure for 99% of all ills) for a while. Due to it being a Saturday morning i went back to bed around 5ish, and spoke a while with vicky.Finally at 7A.M i was able to get up have a shower and go out for breakfast. I felt extremely odd tht morning rushing round sainsburys!! I also had a sort of mad row with the customer service people about this god damn nector card business.... that NOTE seems to have turned into ‘what hapened on Saturday’
SATURDAY 19th. I bought a sort of sorry card for Will as he had seemed awful angry with me and i got breakfast also. Money flows out of me extremely easily when i’m gonig through a stage like this...
Anyway, Will seemed likehe’d forgiven me. We all left the house together Will heading of to, well I’m not really sure, but he’ll sort it out. Vicky and i did shopping which was nice but i was feeling likemy brain was on a trampaleen.
That night however i must have slept for ten hours!! hurry, but also a possible reason for why i got up a t half five this morning...
SUNDAY 20th, yesterday! do you really want to know what happened? DO YOU??
Well nothing bad, Vicky and i had a brilliant day posting Christmas cards for the mad politicians (exersise/good deed!) this made me feel better. TRied also to cut down on the caffeen.
NOTE: sometimes i feel as though i am teetering on the dge of being extremely angry about anything that happens. Is this because i feel that things are going wrong on purpose due to me? ALSO why are the soctors so toss at helping, so short on time and so eager to push drugs into your eyeballs face and neck?
It is nearly 7A.M an normal time to be up and about!!! hurray. Between 3 and 6 a.m are is the worse. The darkest part of the night is just before dawn. Like the second world war and the end of the fucking Xfactor.
MORE later.....
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